Journey to Him – Part 3

On By Ashlei MartinIn Journey to HimLeave a comment

It was 2009.

I was figuring out life. I was making my path.

I had been dating the same person for several years and we even bought a house together. *gasp*

I was almost done with college at this point and I had a job waiting for me. A big girl job. My own career.

Before I knew it I was engaged and planning our wedding.

My life was really starting to come together.

***

At this point it had been nearly four years since I had personally spoken to my dad but I was still receiving regular updates about him from my grandpa.

“I told him you were wondering about him and told him to call you..”

“I’m not really sure where he is but he calls every so often from different cell phones and asks about you..”

“I just talked to him last week and told him to call you. He still has your phone number memorized”

But guess what?? He never called.

And guess what else? I have had the same phone number for 18 years..just incase..

***

But here’s the most painful part. Even thinking back on it brings me to tears.

Here I am planning my wedding..and every girl wants her dad to walk her down the aisle, right?

See..I had that covered. I had a father-figure in my life growing up. My mom married an amazing man who cared for me as if I was his own. Without even thinking twice I knew I was going to have him walk me down the aisle. He raised me. He cared for me. He was the father-figure I needed. And he was ALWAYS there.

But the thing I did not expect during this process was how painful it was to think that my dad might not even be at my wedding. I had such an emptiness in my heart. Something..a part of me was just..missing.

And also – I was pissed. Really damn pissed. Why did this have to be my life? What did I do? I was raised by some pretty incredible people but why in the world did I always carry this part of my life? And why in the world did it always have to follow me??

Because he’s my dad. That’s why.

And I can’t just forget him.

I remember talking to my grandpa before my wedding about this. My grandpa was so caring, and so protective. He never really said anything negative to me about my dad..but throughout this conversation I was telling him how much I wanted my dad to be there and I’ll never forget my grandpa’s response,

“Well, I can try and find him for you but I can’t make any guarantees about his state of mind.. Years of heavy drug use has certainly taken its toll and he hasn’t been addressing his mental health. Ashlei he just isn’t the person he used to be.”

Boom.

My heart fell.

My heart cried.

I guess I had already assumed all of that.

But I think that was the first time I had allowed myself to move from it being just an assumption to it being a reality.

My reality.

I knew at that time I was never going to have the father-daughter relationship I had been yearning for with him. I knew he wasn’t going to be at my wedding. And I subconsciously knew I had to let him go. After so many years of trying. After so many heartbreaks. After so many attempts..

I Had.To.Let.Him.Go.

***

2012.

Enter stage left:

My sweet baby boy. All 5lbs, 15ozs of him.

I was a mother. I had a child.

Whoa.

It was during this first year of mommyhood that I became really damn resentful. It was CLEAR I had not resolved the feeling towards my dad.

But let’s be honest – how does someone grieve the loss of a person who is still alive?

How does one simply, “move on” and “get over” something like this?

***

My son was about 6 months old when I received a call from my grandpa. He hadn’t spoken to my dad in over a year (which is REALLY not typical for him) but knew his last whereabouts were in “Mystery Town”, CA.

Wait – how in the hell did he get there? What was he doing out there?! I had this crazy idea he had joined the drug cartel and was brutally killed in a drug transport gone wrong.

I know – settle down, Ashlei.

I digress.

So my grandpa tells me he called down to the “Mystery Town’s” local sheriff’s dept to see if he could obtain any information about my dad. Apparently they knew exactly who he was and where they could find him. So much so..that they had him on the phone in about 5-10 minutes.

And no, he was not incarcerated. Lol!

My grandpa was actually able to have a brief conversation with him:

“Hey Erik! How are you? I hope you’re doing ok..I also wanted to let you know that you are a grandpa! Ashlei had a baby boy..you should really come back up here sometime to meet him!”

“Oh yeah? Nice..well..hey can I call you right back?”

No surprise here – he never called him back.

***

Friday, May 12, 2017 my grandfather passed away.

He hadn’t spoken to my father in five years.

I couldn’t help but feel this overwhelming sense of loss. Not only from losing my grandfather – but also for losing this piece of my dad..all at the same time.

It felt like I had lost this branch on a tree that would never grow back.

At that moment I wished I had my dad. I wished I could call him up and tell him about my grandpa..about his father..I wished we could just grieve together.

But I couldn’t. I had no idea where he was or if he was even alive.

***

It took me a year after my grandfather’s death to realize I couldn’t keep living my life like this.

I hated these feelings of unknown.

I hated that this felt so unresolved.

As much as I wanted to just forget this part of my life..I couldn’t.

I couldn’t just walk away.

I still needed closure. For myself.

And, at the time, I had no idea how close I actually was to finding that..

Journey to Him – Part 4

On By Ashlei MartinIn Journey to HimLeave a comment

(Journey to Him – Part 4 of 5)

June 6th, 2018
Have any of you listened to Nora McInerny‘s podcast, “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”? #TTFA I’m a HUGE fan. It’s binge-worthy, really.

In Nora’s terms, “It’s a funny/sad/uncomfortable podcast about talking honestly about our pain, our awkwardness, and our humanness…”

And on this particular day – Nora hit me hard.

June 6th is my dad’s birthday.

THIS particular June 6th was no different than any other June 6th in that I woke up feeling pretty craptastic. I got ready for work, hopped into my car and turned on Nora’s podcast. A new episode had been posted just the day before and I was looking forward to escaping my craptastic-ness during my morning commute.

The newly posted episode, “About Bob”, starts coming through my car speakers.

It stopped me dead in my tracks.

“This is a story about a dad who is sometimes a stranger, often a mystery, and always loved anyways”.

Quick synopsis – it’s an interview of a young woman whose father has struggled with addiction, homelessness, etc. and she discusses how this has affected their relationship, or lack thereof.

No joke, y’all. I felt like she could have been interviewing me. This was my story. And on all of the days in the year – THIS was the day?!

I ugly cried.

I hated this.

Luckily, I had to make a quick detour to drop something off before I made it to my office. This obviously wasn’t my usual route and I was so thankful because it would give me a little extra time to sop-up my face.

I pulled-up to a stoplight..I glance up waiting for the light to turn green.

I instantly felt the air come out of my chest.

My feet went cold.

“Carbone’s Pizza” right there on the corner. A complete detour from my normal route. And here it is, staring me in the face. I’m not sure if you remember but I previously referenced my dad having worked at Carbone’s Pizza when I was a child.

My emotions completely consumed me at this point and I just had to pull over.

First the podcast, and now this. And on this day?! June 6th of all days?!

I sat there. Numb. Hurting. Pissed off. Not really sure what to do.

Until I did.

I’m not a religious person y’all but I do believe that when the universe is trying to tell you something – you listen up.

And I heard it. I heard all of it.

I wiped off my face. Blew my nose. And googled “Mystery Town, CA” Sheriff’s Office.

I dialed the number.

Those were the longest 5 seconds of my life. I will never forget hearing that ringing in my ears. Waiting for someone up pick-up the phone.

“Mystery Town” Sheriff’s Office – how can I help you?

It took all of my courage not to hang up. I felt like I couldn’t speak. What in the hell was I doing?

“Uh. Hi. I’m not even sure if you can help me. I’m looking for my father. I’m not sure if he’s even alive. I don’t know who else to call. I’d be grateful if you can help point me in the right direction”

I gave her my dad’s information. Within about 30 seconds I hear this:

“Well of course, honey. He’s most definitely alive. He was just arrested here not too long ago.”

I had to catch my breath.

“Actually there is a detective here who has been working with your dad. Would you like to speak with him?”

Oh my god.

This was the first update I had about my dad in six years. And he was alive.

***

She transferred me to “Detective Smith” but luckily it went to his voicemail. I had no idea what I wanted to say but I left him a voicemail anyway.

“Uuhh..hey Detective Smith. I’m really not even sure why I’m calling. I guess I’d like to make sure my dad is OK? I really thought he was dead. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe it was this easy. I should’ve done this a long time ago..I’m sorry I don’t know what else to say. I’d really appreciate if you can call me back.”

I drive the next 20 minutes to work. I pull into my parking ramp, park my car, and I just couldn’t move. This was a big deal. I had so many questions and thoughts running through my mind.

My dad is alive.

Why hasn’t he called me?

Is he OK?

Where is he living?

What does he look like?

It’s been so long since I’ve been able to talk with him.

I hope he’s OK.

Gosh I hope he wants to talk to me.

Before I could get out of my car my phone started to ring. I recognized the area code. Here we go.

“Hey! My name is Charlie! Detective Smith reached out to me after he got your message. I’m with the homeless outreach team here in Mystery Town and I work with your dad.”

*Big deep breaths*

“Gosh we didn’t know he had any family..especially not a daughter. How long has it been since you’ve talked with him?”

I haven’t personally spoken to him in about 9 years. It’s been even longer since I’ve seen him.

“Oohhh wow. Well how in the world did you know he was down here in Mystery Town!?”

Well – I heard he was there about 6 years ago. I’ve had kind of a crazy morning.. I just took a leap of faith to see what would happen.

“I tell you what – I’m walking into a meeting right now but I’ll head down to see your dad afterwards if you’d like to speak with him?”

Wow. Wait, what?

(I guess so?)

(I want to speak with him, don’t I?)

(What will I say?)

(Will he recognize my voice?)

(What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?)

Uh yes. Yes – I’d love to speak with him. It’d be really nice to, at least, wish him a happy birthday.

***
Several hours went by. Several, agonizing, hours.

Charlie finally called me back.

“Hey..so I went down to your dad’s area and found him. I..uh..told him you had been looking for him and that you wanted to speak to him. He took down your number and said he’d call you back later. I offered my phone but he didn’t want to use it. Hopefully he’ll call you back real soon.”

Ok. Well that’s it, right? He must not want to talk to me. I guess he doesn’t want to be found.

But maybe I caught him off-guard. Maybe he’s not really sure what to say to me either.

So I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I spoke to several people that day from Mystery Town who had all been working with my dad. I gave them as much information as I could think of at the time. They had nothing..they didn’t even know where he originally came from. He had been telling them he was a Veteran so they were trying to get him services through the VA but hadn’t been successful (no surprise..because he’s NOT a Vet).

By the end of that day I was a mess. I was exhausted. I knew where my dad was. And I knew he was alive.

But I still hadn’t heard from him.

3 days went by before I got another phone call from Charlie.

I was at work and noticed my phone lighting up. I noticed the area code. I had to sit down.

“Hey! Charlie again! I’m actually standing here with your dad. Would you like to speak with him?”

*Big deep breaths*

***

And here is the point I’ve been struggling with writing. I’ve probably typed 100 different variations of this..over several days. This part is extremely difficult for me to put into words. I don’t think I could ever capture how emotional this situation was for me.

I heard him say hello. I immediately recognized his voice..but it was so very different. He was mumbling and he wasn’t really making sense.

I just couldn’t hold back my emotions. They were stronger than I was at that moment.

He asked me why I was crying and why I was so upset. He asked me if I was OK.

You guys – He. Asked. Me. If. I. Was. OK.

My memory of this initial conversation isn’t very clear but I DO remember spitting out THREE specific things.

*I’ve really missed you.

*I’m so glad to hear you’re alright.

*If this is the last time I hear from you, I want you to know how loved you are.

His response?

“Oohhh yeah..yeah..well I gotta go. Can I call you back in a little bit? Or maybe you can swing down here once you’re done at the grocery store? I’m only a few blocks away.”

Yep. Take that in for a second.

I don’t know how to fully describe this but I wasn’t surprised by his words. Without knowing this at the time – it was exactly what I would have expected for him to say.

But it still hurt. It hurt like hell.

I think what struck me the most from that initial, but brief, conversation is my perception of how bad things had gotten for him.

MY PERCEPTION.

I haven’t see him in over a decade and he thinks I’m at the damn grocery store a few blocks away.

He’s living on the streets. He’s not addressing his mental health.

And he MUST need my help, right?

This is another one of those situations where I had to take a step back and assess my situation. Take some self-inventory.

What am I doing? In all seriousness – I found him.

That’s what I wanted, right? I wanted to make sure he was OK.

So what was my plan? I wasn’t sure at that very moment but I knew I was supposed to be there.

In that moment. I knew I was supposed to find him.

And I did.

So now what?

***

(Please check back for the 5th, and final, section coming later this week!)

Journey to Him – Part 5

On By Ashlei MartinIn Journey to Him, UncategorizedLeave a comment

After the initial, and brief, conversation with my dad over the phone I stayed in good contact with his workers over the next several weeks. I was able to help direct and coordinate where and who they needed to speak with for my dad’s medical records here in Minnesota. I was able to help them navigate and translate a state’s mental health system with which they were not familiar.

By the way – do you have any idea how easy it is to obtain a birth certificate?? I walked to the Licensing Center, requested a copy (and I can because I’m his daughter), paid the fee, and WALKED OUT with a notarized copy of his birth certificate in about a half hour. I was able to mail this out to California where his workers were actually able to help him obtain a State ID. He had been in that state for YEARS and never had a state ID.

A few more weeks had gone by and they informed me that an actual case worker had been assigned to work with my dad. A long-term case worker. GREAT news. And in this instance, A COMPLETE SAINT. I’ll call her Amy.

Amy is amazing.

I’ve heard from Amy nearly every week for the last year.

She gives me updates.

She always gives my dad the opportunity to speak with me. Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn’t. But that’s absolutely OK.

Our conversations never last more than a minute or two. But that’s also absolutely OK.

I often wonder, as I’ve progressed through this last year, what in the world I’m doing.

In all seriousness – What in the hell am I doing?

Am I doing this for me?

Is this healthy? Am I maintaining good boundaries?

Should I be doing anything more for him? (Absolutely not is my answer if you’re wondering)

***
February, 2019

I had been thinking about seeing my dad for a few months now at this point.

I woke up one morning and realized I was finally ready. I’m not sure what was so special about that particular morning but I woke up knowing I was strong enough, and had come to terms enough, with all of the emotions I had experienced in the last year.

This was the first time, I could confidently say, that I was ready to see him. I wanted to see him.

No, I needed to see him.

I approached my husband on this particular mid-February morning.

“Please hear me out. And please don’t tell me I’m being unrealistic but I want to go see my dad.”

And his response? “Well then let’s go.”

***
April 10th, 2019

My husband and I boarded a plane to California. It was the first time on the west coast for both of us.

When I decided to go visit my dad, and had actually already purchased our flights, I called Amy. I explained to her that we would be coming out to visit and she was incredibly supportive. We both knew it was best to let my dad know so he could better prepare himself. Neither of us thought a surprise would be a good idea so she put me on the phone with him during their next visit. I told him the big news and he seemed, genuinely, happy. Weekly reminders were given to him and a few days before we arrived he actually asked Amy to make sure I was still coming.

He actually remembered. We had prepared him for this. And he was in a good place, mentally.

We landed late on a Wednesday evening so I TRIED to sleep that night before meeting up with him the next day.

Thursday morning we head out in the rental car to drive the 20 minutes to where my dad stays. We were ridiculously early so I swung by the Mystery Town’s Sheriff’s Dept to see if Detective Smith was around. I was actually able to meet him in person and thanked him for all of the time they’ve spent helping my dad.

Finally the time comes. Amy messaged me that she had some time to meet us with my dad and to show me exactly where he stays. She let me know that she was standing with him and that he was doing pretty well.

After what felt like forever (but it was really only a few minutes) we pull up to the area. The space my dad sleeps every night. The space where he keeps all of his worldly belongings.

I don’t even really remember getting out of the car but I do remember moving as fast as my little legs would take me.

And there he was. Standing there. In front of me. This man I hadn’t laid eyes on in over 10 years. This man who I thought was deceased and who I thought I would never be able to talk to again. This man from my childhood I thought I had lost. This shell of a man I barely recognized who has slowly eroded away after having to battle his own inner demons for far longer than anyone should..

And here I was – about to pull him into an embrace that I never thought I would have been able to experience again.

I kept telling myself as I was preparing for this trip that I would be happy if he recognized me. I had ZERO expectations going into this and I would’ve been OK if he didn’t recognize me. It would’ve hurt for a while, yes. But being able to see him – I felt like that would’ve been enough. It would’ve been the closure I needed. I think.

But he recognized me.

He even smiled.

And he even hugged me back, a little.

I was doing my best to keep my emotions in check, but honestly, I was having a hard time even getting any words out. I could tell he was having the same struggle. So I told him to take me for a walk to his favorite place on the beach.

It was only about 2 blocks away so it didn’t take long to get there. But in those short two blocks we passed several people. Several high functioning adults who were all, presumably, residents of Mystery Town. And they ALL greeted my dad. By name.

They didn’t ignore him. They didn’t stare at him. They respected him enough to acknowledge him and recognize him as so much more than a, “homeless guy”. They recognized him as a human being and it was a beautiful thing.

And you know what else was beautiful? The ocean.

It was no surprise that this was where my dad chose to stay.

We ended up staying in this spot and had the longest conversation we’ve had in over 10 years. He told me how he had taken a bus out there to visit but ended up loving it so much that he stayed. I asked him a bunch of questions about where he had been and what he had been up to. Most of the answers he gave were far from logical, however, and that was was really tough.

I had so many questions but I knew I wasn’t going to get as many answers. I firmly believe he wouldn’t have known them anyway.

After we talked for a while I offered to take him out to lunch but he said he wasn’t feeling very well and didn’t have much of an appetite. He was thirsty though so we walked to the 7/11 across from where he stays.

It was inside of this 7/11 that I finally figured out why I was down there. I finally recognized what exactly it was that I was needing to get out of this trip.

***

My dad ended up walking in the store ahead of me and proceeded straight back to the soda coolers. He was happily greeted by the store owner behind the counter.

Out of the corner of my eye I started noticing him tapping his pockets. Feverishly. As if he was hoping to find something in one of them, any of them, to afford what he was about to pick out.

Watching this take place from a few feet away completely broke my heart..and it hurt my soul. Physically hurt my soul. Just thinking about the entirety of the situation; here I am inside of a 7/11 in the middle of a tiny town in California and I’m watching my dad desperately looking for change in order to purchase a $.99 bottle of Sprite.

It was in this very moment that I realized I hadn’t once thought about how he feels. I hadn’t even thought about his perspective in all of this.

How must it feel to have your daughter reach out to you after so many years knowing you abandoned her?

How must it feel to have your daughter see you in this type of situation..in this type of lifestyle?

How must it feel to have your daughter watch you struggle to buy yourself a soda?

I came up next to him, gently held his elbow, and told him to pick out whatever he wanted and we would take care of the bill. So he picked out a Sprite for his stomach and, upon my encouragement, a Coke for later.

We walked up to the counter and started making conversation with the owner and he proceeded to ask my dad, “So hey man..who do you have with you here today??”

I glance over and see my dad really struggling. He’s pacing. He’s not even present. I doubt he even heard the guy ask him a question.

I responded, “Ohh well..I’m his daughter and I’m here visiting from Minnesota”

“Oh wow! Really?? I didn’t even know he had a daughter! How amazing that you’ve come this far to see him!”

And here is where it gets deep.

The man reaches out and grabs my hand.

“You coming all of the way out here is pretty special. I’m glad you came. I see him everyday and I can tell you he is the nicest person I’ve met around here. He never begs for anything. He doesn’t cause any problems for anyone. He just keeps to himself and lives his life. As you can see he eats very well because everyone around here makes sure he’s fed. We all really enjoy having him around here. I hope you don’t worry about him..he’s happy here.”

Holding back the tears, and my impending breakdown, I walked my dad back to his spot and was getting ready to say goodbye. At this point I wasn’t sure if I would come back and see him again. I wasn’t sure if he even wanted to see me again. I could tell that my presence was causing him a great deal of anxiety.

Nevertheless, I grabbed him..and I hugged him tight.

And then he asked me if I could come back and see him one more time before I left.

And without hesitation, I agreed.

I barely made it back to the car before I lost it. I lost everything I had been holding emotionally. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know what to say, how to feel, how to act. I felt completely paralyzed and buried in my own emotions.

My husband drove us down to the beach. My happy place. The place where the ocean breeze and salty air calms my soul. I walked down a long stretch of rocks that lead out into the ocean. I sat down. And I cried. I ugly cried. I don’t even know how long I sat out there but it felt like forever.

We came back the next day. I came back to say goodbye not knowing if that would be the last time I was able to see him. I took a picture with him before I left that I will forever hold in my heart. After one last hug I said goodbye and left Mystery Town, CA.

***

I’ve spoken to him a few times since I left and it feels as if his mind is becoming more and more clear. Or maybe it’s because he’s getting more comfortable talking with me. Or maybe it’s because he’s finally taking his medications. Or maybe it’s because he’s finally not using.

Whatever the reason – I have zero expectations and I’m OK with that.

A couple of years ago I coincidentally came across an old news article in my baby book. I had never seen it before because it was folded up and hidden deep in one of the pockets. The local newspaper had interviewed him when he was 15 years old regarding a childhood illness he had been battling. The very last piece of this article reads:

“After school I think I’ll move up to the mountains. Society’s gone to hell, with people hating each other because of their differences. They don’t like you because of who you are..In the mountains you live day by day. It seems like there’s a lot more freedom up there.”

Well he didn’t move to the mountains but he chose some place just as beautiful.

And now he’s living life the way he’s always wanted. On his terms. He knew this at the age of 15. And who can be mad at that?

Yeah, of course, what about me? I can be mad, right?

I mean, he has a daughter. He abandoned me.

Sure he did. And there’s nothing either of us can do to change that now but I refuse to carry this negative BS with me any longer.

I forgive him.

For myself, I forgive him.

Going forward it’s solely my responsibility to make sure I’m maintaining healthy boundaries and protecting my own energy.

He knows that I will always support him in maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

And now I’m certain he knows how much love I have for him.

He has his very own tribe out there in CA. He has people out there who support him..and respect him..and who are genuinely concerned about his well-being.

At the end of the day I’m thankful to have taken the risks I have over the last year. And now I realize this “Journey to Him” hardly had anything to do with finding him at all..but it had everything to do with me finding myself.

Break

On By Ashlei MartinIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Sometimes life has a way of telling you to take a break.

As I progress through this life I have never before realized the importance of self-care.

If no one has ever told you – It is NECESSARY to refill your cup every once in a while.

You think I would take my own advice here given the fact that I always have a dozen things on my plate..

1. Mom of 2 humans

2. Wife

3 Full time career

4. Mom of 3 dogs

5. Nonprofit Chair Member

6. School volunteer

7. Blog writer

8. Chaos organizer

9. Drama mediator

10. Etc

11. Etc

12. Etc

I have zero time for self-care. I’m running on fast forward my entire day until my head hits my pillow at night. Pedicures? Massages? Coffee with friends? Retail therapy? Blah. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

But I should.

I am the sole reason I don’t have time for my own self-care.

I’m always burning the candle at both ends. Always too busy making sure everyone else’s needs are met while completely ignoring my own.

So when an opportunity presented itself to “refill my cup” this past week..I didn’t even hesitate.

“Journey to Him” has been a completely life changing experience for me. And I, admittedly, have no idea if I’m doing any of “this” right.

What I do know, however, is that writing helps me process.

What I also know is that I can’t process if my soul isn’t right.

I appreciate your patience with Part 5 as I was long overdue for a break. A mental break..a social media break..just a short period of time to ease my mind and calm my soul.

Many thanks,

Part 5..coming very soon.