The name seems so fitting.

At a young 33 years old I am still searching, still trying to find – myself. I think my question is: Does anyone really ever find themselves? I’m sure they do, or they think they do. Until a shift happens..a life event that throws you off balance.

But what if your life has been a continuance of shifts and life events? What if you’ve never been able to find your balance?

That’s me.

Despite my chaotic upbringing (which I might go into later..but not yet..not ready for THAT type of BS)..I feel like I’ve done pretty well for myself. I’ve gone through life thus far checking off all the boxes, right?

High School Diploma ☑️

College Degree ☑️

Career ☑️

Financial stability ☑️

Got married ☑️

Bought a house☑️

Another college degree ☑️

Had kids ☑️

So now what? I’ve been so preoccupied with checking off my boxes that I forgot my end game. Did I ever have one? Oohhh a happy, fulfilling life..that’s right.

I found myself asking, so why in the hell don’t I feel fulfilled? What’s missing?

Me.

THAT is what’s missing. Who in the hell am I? What are my likes? Dislikes?

I’ve spent so much time checking my boxes, filling everyone else’s cup..that I’ve neglected my own.

I’ve spent so much time “growing up” and “establishing myself” that  I was able to ignore my own crap for so long.

But having kids was my shift and my life event. I’ve been given the responsibility of shaping two human beings and I refuse to let them be burdened with even an ounce of my baggage. They need a mom. They need a healthy mom.

But how?

I realized I need to find my beautiful.

Not physically – because come on, nothing dry shampoo and some mascara can’t fix. I joke.

But in all seriousness: my first step was me realizing I’m more than a mom. I’m more than a wife. I’m more than my career. I’m a damn strong woman who has carried the world on her shoulders and I refuse to let that continue to be my life.

I refuse to let my past continue to be my identity.

And I refuse to rely on anyone else in this world for my happiness.

So why now? Why share all of your business? Why throw your crap out into the universe?

Because I want to, SUSAN.

And because I don’t have the mental space for everyone’s judgements anymore.

Period.

I have to admit – I never thought I’d be doing something like this.

The truth is, I’ve always loved to write. Even as a child I was always working on writing something; stories, journals, etc. But in all of life’s chaos I think I had forgotten how cathartic this was for me.

I have always found it easier to express myself through writing vs. speaking. The world of text messaging has been a life-changer..lol! I can send a message vs. having to actually talk on the phone?! Sign me up.

SO here it goes. After much encouragement and a few kicks in the ass – I find myself starting my very own blog.

Why? I’m not sure.

I take that back. I have a lot to say..and I guess I’m hoping there might be a few people out there who would like to listen. I added a few of my older pieces since I’ve been holding onto them “in case someday I would start a blog or something..”

I still don’t know what direction this is going to take me..so bear with me.

Wish me luck.

I think one of my biggest fears, when it comes to my children, is that I’m going to mess them up.

I mean – seriously. I can teach them practical things, such as: cleaning up after themselves, using good manners, feeding the dogs, etc. But am I teaching them to be compassionate people? Am I teaching them to be humble human beings? How do I even do that?! How do you teach humility?! It’s scary.

And this weighs on me most days. “Did I just miss a teachable moment there?” “Oh crap. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that in front of them..” I want them to create their own opinions based on how they perceive the world.

Before I had kids I don’t think I realized how transformative this phase of my life would be for me. One of my most memorable moments was while I was 8 months pregnant with my son. I was having a conversation with a close friend who said, “Oh gosh, Ashlei. Can you believe you are going to be someone’s mom in just a few weeks! Someone is going to call you their mom!” Wow. Just wow. It hadn’t hit me until that moment. Of course I had a giant belly and, of course, I had prepared (you know me! Lol) in every way possible. But it wasn’t until that very moment that I realized that I will be responsible for another human being. I will be responsible for helping to shape another human being. I was going to be someone’s mom. Sh*t.

This morning I, unexpectedly, experienced one of the best forms of validation a mother could ask for. It was my turn to get the kids ready and off to school/daycare. We were, of course, in a hurry – because all mornings are chaotic trying to get everyone out the door, aren’t they?? I was helping Liam to get his socks on (he had picked out his favorite bright green Minecraft socks) and I asked him to please go get his shoes on. He came back a few minutes later with his shoes on but was complaining because his socks were “itchy” and he wanted a different pair. I knew exactly what he meant because those things have nearly reached their shelf life. I helped him put on different socks and told him to go put his green ones back.

“Actually Liam – do you mind if we throw these away? They’re almost falling apart honey.”

As I looked at him I noticed this sad, inquisitive, expression on his face.

“But Mom! Why would you throw them away? They don’t have holes or anything. Can’t we give them to another little boy who doesn’t have any socks?”

All. Of. The. Damn. Feels.

So many emotions hit me all at once. He’s five years old. At five years old this boy has discovered humility. He recognizes the importance of respectfulness, kindness, generosity, compassion, patience. Which many adults, at whatever phase in their lives, still cannot comprehend.

“It has been said that a humble person doesn’t think less of himself; he simply thinks of himself less..”

I don’t even have the words to describe how important that was for me to hear. How validating it is to actually witness this incredibly important, and deeply emotional, human concept – coming from my child. Even though their mommy has gone through some serious personal struggles these last few years – it seems I’ve done something right.

I don’t think it’s a secret that these last 5 years of my life have been one hell of a ride. But being able to see something like this? All of it has been completely worth it. This is all going to be OK.

If these kids only knew how much their lives have impacted me..it’s been truly remarkable. And unbelievably healing for my soul.

“What about Bob?”

There is something that has been weighing on my mind these last few days. I feel like writing has always been a nice outlet for me. As I sat down and started writing this I decided to share it..

Homelessness. Gosh. I feel like this can turn into as heated of an argument as politics.

I acknowledge, especially in my kind of work, that I probably have my own personal bias against the homeless population in this country.

Because, well, drugs. And our incompetent mental health system. And trauma. And because – well, self-sabotage.

They’re just addicted to drugs, right? They’re choosing to live off the system, aren’t they? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve criticized friends and family for giving the “signers” money while waiting at the red light.

Every..single..day..I encounter a handful of people begging for money downtown. I, admittedly, walk right past them. It’s what you do, right? Don’t make eye contact! It’s like back in school when the teacher would ask a question but you didn’t know the answer (or you weren’t paying attention) so you tried not to make eye contact.

But then – it happens. They see you. You make eye contact.

“Please ma’am can I have some money?” No.

“Any spare change?” Not a chance.

Or the classic, “Please ma’am. I’m homeless with five children who are starving.” False.

Now – I’m not trying to say I’m completely heartless but after seeing the same people, in the same spots, doing the same crap they do..I’ve learned to mostly ignore it. Until now.

Let’s call him Bob.

Most people know that Starbucks and I are close friends. So close, in fact, that I visit at least twice a day – always getting the same thing: Venti Carmel Macchiato with 6 pumps of vanilla. They know me by name. I know – kind of embarrassing sometimes. #firstworldproblems

I’ve noticed for the past several weeks there has been this new homeless-looking fellow hanging around that I hadn’t ever seen before. It’s not uncommon for this to happen – but you get so used to seeing the same faces that sometimes the new ones catch you off guard.

Bob is often sitting in the same area, using the same Starbucks cup (seriously looks like he’s been using the same cup for days), in the same clothes, shoes falling off his feet, long unkempt beard, long shaggy hair, and in desperate need of a shower. It wasn’t until I got up closer to him that I also realized he hasn’t had a nail trim in QUITE some time. I’d assume he’s probably in his 60’s; but I can also assume he looks much older than he probably is.

Oh, Bob.

Bob often has very animated conversations with himself. I’ve started to notice the stares he draws from other people as they are hurriedly walking by – trying NOT to make eye contact. Just trying to grab their $15 salad and get back to their cubicle where their life is just..safe.

I really can’t say for sure what it was about Bob that caught my attention. Actually, I have a feeling – but that’s for another day. On this particular day, however, I walk over to Starbucks (no surprise) and am on my way back to work, Macchiato in hand, face in my phone, when I look up and see Bob. Bob is sitting at a table, alone. Empty, used, Starbucks cup in hand – carrying on a conversation, with himself.

This overwhelming feeling came over me. I can’t quite explain what it was..but I had to stop.

“Excuse me, Sir. Is this seat open?” I knew damn well it was open because he’s always alone and, just a hunch, I don’t think people would be begging for that open seat.

He looked up at me with such lost, heavy, eyes. I think he was just as shocked as I was that I was standing in front of him asking him if I could sit down.

In between the overwhelming amounts of (I’m guessing) internal stimuli taking place within his head in that very moment, he was able to nod his head yes and gesture for me to sit down.

Oh crap. Now what do I say?

“Hi there. My name is Grace. I can’t help but notice that you like to hang out around here every day.”

He smiled.

“I’d really like you to know that..I see you. I see that you seem to be going through a tough time. I’d actually really like to take you out to breakfast sometime, if you’re OK with that?”

Another – Oh crap. I have to be in a meeting in 10 minutes. I don’t have time for breakfast right now.

“I tell you what. I’m going to give you $10 today. (Which by the way – I NEVER DO). I would hope that you buy yourself some breakfast. If not – I have no way of knowing what you do with that money. But hopefully, very soon, I will meet up with you again and you can tell me what you bought with your $10 over a nice meal.”

He stared at me. He was asking himself if it was alright for him to take the money. He finally agreed. I handed him a $10 bill. He timidly took the money, rolled it up into a little piece and put it in his jeans pocket.

“I hope you have a really nice day. I have to get back to work. It was nice to meet you..”

He smiled. He continued his conversation with himself..and he finally nodded his head and said, “thank you, Ma’am..”

At the end of the day, you guys..they’re people. They’re human beings with back stories. They’re someone’s child. Yes – for all of you naysayers, I understand they’re dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. I understand a good majority of them are probably mentally ill. Yes, I understand they “should be working and trying to get themselves off the streets.” I understand, “they bring crime to our city..” I get that. I get all of it. But I also see that at that very moment in time – they’re human beings, just like us. They need social connection, preferably healthy connections, but just some damn sort of human connection. How about, “Sorry I don’t have any money today,” instead of just casually walking by acting as though they don’t exist.

I imagine so many people living on the streets dealing with this sense of inadequacy; just feeling non-existent to the rest of the world. Having people walk by them – refusing to make eye contact or engage in any type of conversation; I guess then we’d have to admit they actually exist, right? “It’s so much easier to simply close our eyes and shield our hearts to their existence.”

Please don’t get me sideways on this. I know there are people out there who are abusing the system. I know there are people “signing” out there everyday who walk around the corner to get in their car and head to their fully furnished apartment without a care in the world. I see it.

But then there are people like Bob. I don’t know Bob. I don’t know his back story. But I know that he is a human being, just like me. I know that he’s not out there aggressively begging for money like a lot of people choose to do. Hell, I’ve never actually seen him begging- period. And who knows – maybe he’s choosing to be homeless. (Yes Folks, there are actually people out there who CHOOSE to be homeless).

Please don’t think I’m advocating for everyone to start handing out their spare change at every stop light. No – seriously, don’t do that. It will cause them to flock to every intersection like mosquitoes during a hot summer evening around people without bug spray.

At the end of my day, while lying in bed with my son, for our “five minutes of talk time about our day,” I can confidently tell him that I had a good day. No, I had a really humbling day..but it felt like a really good day.

And why? Because I acknowledged someone? No. Not just that.

It was because I took the time out of my day to engage in conversation with someone who otherwise becomes invisible to these crazy, chaotic, “faces in their phones”, Starbucks-loving, business suit wearing, fast-paced, not -really-seeing-the-beauty-of-this-life, kind of people.

Open your eyes. Appreciate what you have. Hold on to your positive energy. And maybe once in a while, sprinkle that stuff on someone who might need it.

Homeless people. Gosh. I feel like this can turn into as heated of an argument as politics.

I acknowledge, especially in my kind of work, that I probably have my own personal bias against homeless people.

Because, well, drugs. And our screwed up mental health system. And trauma. And because – well, self-sabotage.

They’re drug addicts, right? They choose to be homeless, don’t they? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve criticized friends and family for giving the “signers” money while waiting at the red light.

Every..single..damn..day..I encounter a handful of people begging for money downtown. I, admittedly, walk right past them. It’s what you do, right? Don’t make eye contact! It’s like back in school when the teacher would ask a question but you didn’t know the answer (or you weren’t paying attention) so you tried not to make eye contact.

But then – it happens. They see you. You make eye contact.

“Please ma’am can I have some money?” No.

“Any spare change?” Not a chance.

Or the classic, “Please ma’am. I’m homeless with five children who are starving.” Bulls***.

Now – I’m not trying to say I’m completely heartless but after seeing the same people, in the same spots, doing the same shit they do..I’ve learned to mostly ignore it. Until now.

Let’s call him Bob.

Most people know that Starbucks and I are close friends. So close, in fact, that I visit at least twice a day – always getting the same thing: Venti Carmel Macchiato with 6 pumps of vanilla. They know me by name. I know – kind of embarrassing sometimes. #firstworldproblems

I’ve noticed for the past several weeks there has been this new “homeless” person hanging around that I hadn’t ever seen before. It’s not uncommon for this to happen – but you get so used to seeing the same faces that sometimes the new ones catch you off guard.

Bob is often sitting in the same area, using the same Starbucks cup (seriously looks like he’s been using the same cup for days), in the same clothes, shoes falling off his feet, long unkept beard, long shaggy hair, and in desperate need of a shower. It wasn’t until I got up closer to him that I also realized he hasn’t had a nail trim in QUITE some time. I’d assume he’s probably in his 60’s; but I can also assume he looks much older than he probably is.

Oh, Bob.

Bob often has very animated conversations with himself. I’ve started to notice the stares he draws from other people as they are hurriedly walking by – trying NOT to make eye contact. Just trying to grab their $15 salad and get back to their cubicle where their life is just..safe.

I really can’t say for sure what it was about Bob that caught my attention. Actually, I have a feeling – but that’s for another day. On this particular day, however, I walk over to Starbucks (no surprise) and am on my way back to work, Macchiato in hand, face in my phone, when I look up and see Bob. Bob is sitting at a table, alone. Empty, used, Starbucks cup in hand – carrying on a conversation, with himself.

This overwhelming feeling came over me. I can’t quite explain what it was..but I had to stop.

“Excuse me, Sir. Is this seat open?” I knew damn well it was open because he’s always alone and, just a hunch, I don’t think people would be begging for that open seat.

He looked up at me with such lost, heavy, eyes. I think he was just as shocked as I was that I was standing in front of him asking him if I could sit down.

In between the overwhelming amounts of (I’m guessing) internal stimuli taking place within his head in that very moment, he was able to nod his head yes and gesture for me to sit down.

Oh crap. Now what do I say?

“Hi there. My name is Grace. I can’t help but notice that you like to hang out around here every day.”

He smiled.

“I’d really like you to know that..I see you. I see that you seem to be going through a tough time. I’d actually really like to take you out to breakfast sometime, if you’re ok with that?”

Another, oh crap. I have to be in court in 10 minutes. I don’t have time for breakfast right now.

“I tell you what. I’m going to give you $10 today. (Which by the way – I NEVER DO). I would hope that you buy yourself some breakfast. If not – I have no way of knowing what you do with that money. But hopefully, very soon, I will meet up with you again and you can tell me what you bought with your $10 over a nice meal.”

He stared at me. He was asking someone (that I couldn’t see) if it was alright for him to take the money. He finally agreed. I handed him a $10 bill. He timidly took the money, rolled it up into a little piece and put it in his jeans pocket.

“I hope you have a really nice day. I have to get back to work. It was nice to meet you..”

He smiled. He continued his conversation with himself..and he finally nodded his head and said, “thank you, Ma’am..”

At the end of the day, you guys..they’re people. They’re human beings with back stories. They’re someone’s child. Yes – for all of you naysayers, I understand they’re dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. I understand a good majority of them are probably mentally ill. Yes, I understand they “should be working and trying to get themselves off the streets.” I understand, “they bring crime to our city..” I get that. I get all of it. But I also see that at that very moment in time – they’re human beings, just like us. They need social connection, preferably healthy connections, but just some damn sort of human connection. How about, “Sorry I don’t have any money today,” instead of just casually walking by acting as though they don’t exist.

I imagine so many people living on the streets dealing with this sense of inadequacy; just feeling non-existent to the rest of the world. Having people walk by them – refusing to make eye contact or engage in any type of conversation; I guess then we’d have to admit they actually exist, right? “It’s so much easier to simply close our eyes and shield our hearts to their existence.”

Please don’t get me sideways on this. I know there are people out there who are abusing the system. I know there are people “signing” out there everyday who walk around the corner to get in their car and head to their fully furnished apartment without a care in the world. I see it.

But then there are people like Bob. I don’t know Bob. I don’t know his back story. But I know that he is a human being, just like me. I know that he’s not out there aggressively begging for money like a lot of people choose to do. Hell, I’ve never actually seen him begging- period. And who knows – maybe he’s choosing to be homeless. (Yes Folks, there are actually people out there who CHOOSE to be homeless).

Please don’t think I’m advocating for everyone to start handing out their spare change at every stop light. No – seriously, don’t do that. It will cause them to flock to every intersection like mosquitos during a hot summer evening around people without bug spray.

At the end of my day, while lying in bed with my son, for our “five minutes of talk time about our day,” I can confidently say that I had a good day. No, I had a really humbling day..but it felt like a really good day.

And why? Because I acknowledged someone? No. Not just that.

It was because I took the time out of my day to engage in conversation with someone who otherwise becomes invisible to these crazy, chaotic, “faces in their phones”, Starbucks-loving, business suit wearing, fast-paced, not -really-seeing-the-beauty-of-this-life, kind of people.

Open your eyes. Appreciate what you have. Hold on to your positive energy. And maybe once in a while, sprinkle that sh*t on someone who might need it.

You know those days. Those really hard days – where you’d rather just stay in bed or say, “f*ck it” and use a sick day from work. But you can’t..because, well..life. And adulting..

Just counting down the hours left in the work day until you get home and feel those little arms wrap around you tight because they’re so excited to see their mommy..

Just counting down the minutes left in your commute until you get home so you can be that much closer to sleep.

Just completely exhausted at the thought of trying to put something together for dinner when you get home..the laundry. The cleaning. So much cleaning to do..

But then – kids in tow, you finally get home. Kick off your shoes, get into comfy clothes, and stare in the fridge hoping something piques your interest..

“Hey mom..is it ok if we just have cereal for dinner tonight?”

“Oh man..yes. Absolutely my sweet boy..”

These are my little people, and they totally get me.

Not having to spend the extra time making a full dinner, but instead, being able to just spend time with them, share their space..build swords out of tinker toys..watch The Little Mermaid..see my kids actually enjoying each-other’s company..it was exactly what I needed today in that exact moment..

Gosh my cup is so full..

Raising kids is terrifying.

Knowing you are responsible for raising these little miracles..these tiny human beings. Just hoping they will turn out to have happy, healthy, souls.

Feeling as if anything you say and/or do, at anytime, could have such a profound effect – good or bad..it could completely change their trajectory in life. Kids are just so damn impressionable.

But then. It happens. Those little moments that remind you that you’re doing a great job..and that they’re going to be just fine..

Those little moments when you’re driving home with the kids in the backseat..

“Mom! Rylan won’t stop making that noise! It’s soooo annoying”

(Of course, here is me inserting my sarcastic tone), “Ooohh Rylan! Did you hear that?! Your brother said you’re annoying!”

(And then..I couldn’t have been prepared even if I tried)

“Umm..no I didn’t mom! I said what she’s DOING is annoying..I never said SHE was annoying..”

Wow. Just wow.

It seems as though I have these conversations regularly at work. Trying to educate people, adults, who are struggling on how to separate a person from their behavior..on how to make a distinction between the two..being able to understand the concept of knowing a person isn’t, “a Schizophrenic,” but rather, “has Schizophrenia”. And my 5-year old just nailed it.

Thanks Universe. I really needed this today..